A Jump Start on Our Journey Back to Us

Our lives were changed drastically and abruptly a little over a year ago, without having even the slightest chance to fight back.  My daughters and I are finally finding some semblance of a new "normal."  It's been a long year, and as much as I wish it were so, our new normal resembles nothing of our past life.

Yet, anyway.

Actually, in some ways, that's a blessing, but this is in regards to how we learned and played and lived our daily life.

One innocent moment can entirely change your perspective, or disillusionment, if you will.  I was laying on the couch one day, keeping to myself while I took a break.  My oldest walked up and asked, "What's the matter?"

I answered, "Oh, I don't know, baby.  I'm just feeling down today."

"Yeah," she said simply, "You have a lot of days like that, especially since The Separation."  She said it with such definitiveness.   She knew.  So young, and yet, she knew.  And I realized at that moment, how much I had let my ex's actions and decisions infect my life.  How much I had let him steal from my precious children even after I fought so hard to keep their life in tact as much as possible.  I had lost my joy, my purpose, my excitement, my passion.  I had allowed it all to be sucked out of me, and my children were the ones who suffered for it.

When we lived in Virginia, in our past life, we filled our days with walks to the nearby park, visits to the library, Bible study groups, homeschooling groups, Girl Scout meetings, play dates with friends, trips to the museums, spontaneous arts and crafts projects, hiking, and nature walks.  We enjoyed every single day.  We found beauty in everything.

Sadly, this past year has been nothing like that.  Many times I felt empty and directionless.  My motivation was seriously lacking. We have managed to fill our time with distractions.  We're not exploring, we're not investigating in that active, wondrous way we used to.  Instead, we turned to an almost passive life experience.

Perhaps, I'm being too hard on myself. I needed this year to heal. I needed time to get over things, people, and hurts.  Thankfully, my kids have been pretty understanding.  It also helped that we have some amazing, loving people in our lives, now, who have made us feel extremely loved and cherished over the past year.

Regardless, I've realized that the biggest area affected in all this is our day to day life, mainly because I am still a stay at home mom, and my kids are still homeschooled.  So, I have a new goal, and that is to get back to our passionate selves.  To get out there and explore, even though we now live in a much smaller town, and we don't know too many people yet.  I want to make opportunities for my daughters to live mightily, to meet new people and love them mightily, and to learn mightily, not just passively.

I guess I just needed (another) jump start, and I got one.  Hopefully, this time it will keep me going.